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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.