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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I`ve given up on giving up.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?