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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.