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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.