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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."