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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!