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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone