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The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.