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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
There is no time to check time
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.