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I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.