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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.