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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
Running behind is my cardio.