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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.