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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.