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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I make a great second impression.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?