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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
2 words, 1 finger.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?