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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Save water, shower together.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman