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is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.