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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.