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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
I wish I had a friend like me
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.