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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....