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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”