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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.