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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.