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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.