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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.