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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.