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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...