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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.