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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.