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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.