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I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.