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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life