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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend