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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.