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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps