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Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.