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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.