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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
It may look like Iām having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time Iām just thinking about what food Iām going to eat later.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity