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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!