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If only life was as easy as getting fat.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.