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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Keep calm and drink on.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.