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Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Soup of the day: Beer
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.