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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?