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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they`re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"