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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.