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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.