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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.