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I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."