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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"