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“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.