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Gravity is a real downer.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.