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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
I just called. To say. I texted you.
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.