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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.