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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?