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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.