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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.