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It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?