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Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…