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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.