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Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.