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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch